He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
