He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
