My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
