yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
