so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
