You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
