Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
