i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i drank out of a bidet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
he high fived his dick after we had sex
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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