A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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