Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
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You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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