twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dear god my vagina.
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