I faked an abortion last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
