A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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