i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
