Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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