how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
