I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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