How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
