Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
