I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
