Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
