The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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