i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
