At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
