Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
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We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
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My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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