I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
