dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
