I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My vagina is officially offended.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
