the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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