I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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