i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
