Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
