How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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