Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
