She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
