I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
