Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
