I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
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There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
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Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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