sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
