She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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