would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
