Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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