eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I believe in your delicious
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize