Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
