$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
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She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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