Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
