I faked an abortion last night.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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