can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize