I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
