You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
