i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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