i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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