I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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