meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
