I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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