Umm I'm too high to move.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
