Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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