someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
