You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
