Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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